i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Who died my cat blue again?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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