Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
