like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
