I wanna bring you to show and tell
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
