i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize