DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
