I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
