Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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