I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
