At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
