imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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