Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
