he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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