Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
