Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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