did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
