she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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