Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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