I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
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