I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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