non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
