i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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