OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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