just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
That accounts for only three of the penises
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
