And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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