Who did Billy Mays play for?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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