The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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