this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
