Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
if you like me you must not know who I am
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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