five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
