Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize