before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
