I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
