I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
