Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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