Don't you send me to vm
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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