He uses pillows to masturbate.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
