My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize