took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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