I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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