i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
