yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
