I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
