just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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