God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
