bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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