The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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