bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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