how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The struggles of a small town man whore
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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