You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So apparently I’m into choking now
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