she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
