All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
what day is it and did you see me today?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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