birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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