Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
