the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
