I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
