I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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