Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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